Monday, May 13, 2013

Feeling Like Giving Up

This afternoon I received a video link from a friend and I didn't watch it tonight until after my day began falling apart. As many of my days go... I start doing so good, focusing of positives, and then BAM something bad happens. Some piece of bad news is dropped on me. 

Today I received a call from my nurse saying, they were excited that my levels were higher than last month (yes great I know) BUT.... (There is always a but) Dr. Swanson would like Jon and you to come in and discuss your options with him as your cyst is kinda in the way right and we need to talk to you about this in more detail. So....... I now get to wait until Friday to find out that I'm more than likely having surgery #2 in the very near future. Days like today while frustrated, crying, and angry, I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel and say, "I've been trying and I'm done!" I'm so sick of the e,optional roller coaster I'm riding on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's exhausting and frustrating...

So as I watched this video, I sobbed and sobbed because there are so many different mothers out there but WHY do I have to be this one?

Sunday, May 12, 2013


I've decided since its hard to explain my feelings and emotions that maybe it would be best for me to get it all out of by blogging my experiences. As the last post I wrote stated, Jon and I have been going through many ups and downs. We have been battling with infertility and the roller coaster of emotions that brings. Back in December our infertility doctor gave us a choice. We could do artificial insemination and have about a 10% chance of success or have a higher success rate by doing Invitro fertilization. After much prayer and thought we knew we needed to be more aggressive and go for the    IVF option. It was going to cost us ALOT more but we knew we needed to do this. We began saving all our pennies and in January when we were getting ready to start the IVF cycle, they found uterine polyps. As many of you know polyps cause problems with embryo implantation. So they immediately wanted me to have surgery to remove them. I did this and began to heal physically. Us, healing emotionally is difficult as it was a big upset to know I had one more thing hindering me from getting the one thing I want most in life... A baby! For anyone going through fertility issues you know that timing is essential. You have one hiccup and you have to wait a month, or more. Because of the importance of the female cycle. So March came and I was all healed and they I'd I was clear and ready to start the hormone shots and start this IVF. I not in for my day 3 blood work and ultrasound and for some reason my body wasn't cooperating.  My uterine lining was not thinning out as expected at my time of my cycle and when it rains it pours because they also found a cyst in my right ovary. These things caused my doctor to stop the IVF cycle and cancel all drugs that I was taking. My body was telling me something wasn't right and my doctor knows that you can't do anything like this if my body isn't 100% perfect. So another month went by and now that brings us to the beginning of May. So excited to take another stab at this thing and hopefully body will calm down and respond better under the circumstances I'm on now with NO hormones. The hormones I was on had to be causing the cyst, lining issues, polyps, etc.

I went in last week and it looks like my body IS doing better. That troubling cyst is still there but it hasn't gotten any bigger. So that's a positive. Unfortunately on Friday my nurse said the doctor wants to look things over more because they need to decide if this cyst needs to be surgically removed or if it won't bother anything if they go ahead and proceed with the Invitro fertilization.

So yes, I'm constantly thinking about this and I'm an emotional mess some of the time. But I'm becoming better with dealing with my emotions. I'm trying to focus on the blessings that I have in my life. Because as everyone has trials we all have blessings that help us get through troubling times.

Having today be Mothers Day, I would be lying if I didn't say it is hard. Because it is! It's hard to watch family and friends celebrate their happiness of being a mother, when that is the one thing I want so badly in life. I know my Heavenly Father is watching over me and is aware of my dreams. I also know he has a plan for me and I need to be patient and strong. I'm so grateful for all the things I have in my life like my wonderful and supportive husband. Because of this trial we have grown so close and I'm thankful every single day for him. I'm also blessed with the most amazing mother and sisters who care and love me! They make this path that I am on a little bit easier. And I'm also grateful for friends who are there for me and who help me keep my mind off things that hurt. Like I said above I trully am blessed and grateful for everything in my life. And I know that one day I will be blessed through this trial. I will one day get to be a mother to the sweetest and most perfect baby!