Sunday, March 23, 2014

The Healing Power of Grief

A couple years ago I was faced with a trial that I thought was one of the worst anyone could be given. Infertility to me was something I struggled forgiving myself for. This condition isn't my fault or my husband's but it was a trial we have been faced with. I emotionally thought I couldn't handle anymore, but I was clearly wrong. Many of us have heard the saying, "When it rains.... it pours." For me that is always the case. 

10 months ago on May 20th, 2013 during my trial of infertility woes, my father passed away unexpectedly due to heart complications. It was something my family was afraid to face. We knew this day would come but didn't think it would happen so suddenly. I was already a mess dealing with my prior trials and this compounded it all. I lost the one person who had confidence in me. The one person who was my biggest cheerleader through all my challenges. I lost the one person most dearest to me! It was the one person I couldn't wait for my children to meet and call Grandpa! I't took many months to deal with this grief. It was the moment when I had lost control of myself. I was acting in ways I have never done before. I was feeling hopeless. I had lost my self worth. I felt like a completely different person. Jon and I knew I had to get help. I began closing people out of my life and keeping everything in. 

This past December I began seeing a therapist. It was something I never thought I would ever have to do. I was afraid of telling people that I was going to get help. I told people I was going to an appointment but never told what for. After visiting with my therapist for a few months, I began to be more comfortable with this idea of therapy. I realized it was indeed something I needed. I was grieving. I needed someone to talk to that could help me sort out my feelings and thoughts. I've been taught the stages of grief and how to handle each stage. I've started to feel like I'm myself again. It's taken time and I know I'm not healed yet. One thing we spoke about at my last therapy session was these next few months. How am I going to deal with the year mark of my father's death? What can I do to celebrate his life? It has been very important for me to focus on positives and and the joy that my father brought to my life and many others. I hope the next few weeks leading up to that day in May, I can remember the great times with my Dad. I hope I can be there for my mother and family members. I want others to know of a great man he was. I also want others to believe and trust in the faith that we will see him again! I know my Dad is watching over me. I feel him all the time. I'm so grateful for the blessings I have and for having such a wonderful influence in my life. He is in my heart forever.

A wonderful article that all should read was in the Ensign in January. The article is titled,

Sunday, March 9, 2014

The Days Before the Internet

Ever think about what we did before the internet? I was driving home from church today and started thinking about how the internet and modern technology has changed my life and how much time I spend doing things like updating Facebook, viewing photos on Instagram, pinning great ideas that I probably will never use and checking my email for junk.

I've been fortunate to have the internet during most of my life and I remember vividly being in middle school when my family got AOL with a dial up modem. Yes back then the internet was VERY slow and ran through our home phone line. And yes we had home phones back then and they are pretty much extinct now in 2014 due to smart phones. I didn't own my first cell phone until I went to college. I remember being so excited for my Nokia brick. Then later upgraded to a flip phone. Back then I thought my cell phone could do it all.... I had no idea what the future held for each of us. Now we have access to everything on our phones. I'm glued to my iPhone. I use it for everything including; phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, weather forecasts, bank statements, games, reading, and much more!

So what did we do before the internet and smartphones? I know I spent time doing more things like enjoying the outdoors, being with my family (not sitting together while we are all on our phones), doing things that I enjoyed (hobbies- I've come to realize I don't know what my hobbies are these days because of the lack of time I have). It's sad to think of how simple life was before all this and it scares me a bit to think of the future. In just the 30 years I've been alive, we have moved so rapidly with technology that it's scary to think of what 10 years from now will be like.

As much as I wish I could have a simpler life like I had before modern technology, I'm still very grateful for what this technology has done for me. I was able to go to college and be trained to teach children using a variety of technology tools. My father and many other family members were blessed with modern technology in the healthcare system. I was blessed by having the opportunity to fight my battle with infertility and be a part of so many great things that those struggling to have a family can now benefit from. I'm lucky to be able to communicate with my family near and far and keep up to date with everyone. Last but not least I am able to research and study my genealogy and keep record of my own life using the internet.

We are all blessed because of the many uses of modern technology. But I hope I will remember to use my time wisely and try to live a simpler life like that of one who didn't have the internet say 15 years ago.

Do you remember?

Friday, March 7, 2014

About Time

Yesterday a dear friend of mine suggested that I should watch a movie called, "About Time." I was very curious when she mentioned that I would benefit and really enjoy this emotional movie. Benefit from an emotional movie? Really.... that sounds a bit odd.

Anyway, I went and rented the movie and began watching it. It's one of those shows you have to give time because it's very slow at the beginning but I completely understand why she said it's worth the time watching it and I truly benefitted from this story and it's message.

The movie is about a man who has the power to travel back in time. As he goes on through life and faces trials and celebrates joys, he gains knowledge from his ability to change things and learn from past experiences by having a "do over."

I connected so much to this movie because this year I have battled so much with some of the hardest trials I have been faced with. I've had to let go of things of the past and move forward with the future. That is one of the most challenging things to do. As we say hello to the future, we must say goodbye to the past. In the movie the man learns after losing his father and battling through life's challenges, that he doesn't need to travel back in time to fix things any longer... he just needs to remember the following;

"I just try to live everyday as if I have deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it.... As if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life."

I hope I can remember this and truly live each day by enjoying it. I will cherish the memories of the past and look forward to those of the future.