The Healing Power of Grief

A couple years ago I was faced with a trial that I thought was one of the worst anyone could be given. Infertility to me was something I struggled forgiving myself for. This condition isn't my fault or my husband's but it was a trial we have been faced with. I emotionally thought I couldn't handle anymore, but I was clearly wrong. Many of us have heard the saying, "When it rains.... it pours." For me that is always the case. 

10 months ago on May 20th, 2013 during my trial of infertility woes, my father passed away unexpectedly due to heart complications. It was something my family was afraid to face. We knew this day would come but didn't think it would happen so suddenly. I was already a mess dealing with my prior trials and this compounded it all. I lost the one person who had confidence in me. The one person who was my biggest cheerleader through all my challenges. I lost the one person most dearest to me! It was the one person I couldn't wait for my children to meet and call Grandpa! I't took many months to deal with this grief. It was the moment when I had lost control of myself. I was acting in ways I have never done before. I was feeling hopeless. I had lost my self worth. I felt like a completely different person. Jon and I knew I had to get help. I began closing people out of my life and keeping everything in. 

This past December I began seeing a therapist. It was something I never thought I would ever have to do. I was afraid of telling people that I was going to get help. I told people I was going to an appointment but never told what for. After visiting with my therapist for a few months, I began to be more comfortable with this idea of therapy. I realized it was indeed something I needed. I was grieving. I needed someone to talk to that could help me sort out my feelings and thoughts. I've been taught the stages of grief and how to handle each stage. I've started to feel like I'm myself again. It's taken time and I know I'm not healed yet. One thing we spoke about at my last therapy session was these next few months. How am I going to deal with the year mark of my father's death? What can I do to celebrate his life? It has been very important for me to focus on positives and and the joy that my father brought to my life and many others. I hope the next few weeks leading up to that day in May, I can remember the great times with my Dad. I hope I can be there for my mother and family members. I want others to know of a great man he was. I also want others to believe and trust in the faith that we will see him again! I know my Dad is watching over me. I feel him all the time. I'm so grateful for the blessings I have and for having such a wonderful influence in my life. He is in my heart forever.

A wonderful article that all should read was in the Ensign in January. The article is titled,

  "The Healing Power of Grief"

The Days Before the Internet

Ever think about what we did before the internet? I was driving home from church today and started thinking about how the internet and modern technology has changed my life and how much time I spend doing things like updating Facebook, viewing photos on Instagram, pinning great ideas that I probably will never use and checking my email for junk.

I've been fortunate to have the internet during most of my life and I remember vividly being in middle school when my family got AOL with a dial up modem. Yes back then the internet was VERY slow and ran through our home phone line. And yes we had home phones back then and they are pretty much extinct now in 2014 due to smart phones. I didn't own my first cell phone until I went to college. I remember being so excited for my Nokia brick. Then later upgraded to a flip phone. Back then I thought my cell phone could do it all.... I had no idea what the future held for each of us. Now we have access to everything on our phones. I'm glued to my iPhone. I use it for everything including; phone calls, text messages, emails, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, weather forecasts, bank statements, games, reading, and much more!

So what did we do before the internet and smartphones? I know I spent time doing more things like enjoying the outdoors, being with my family (not sitting together while we are all on our phones), doing things that I enjoyed (hobbies- I've come to realize I don't know what my hobbies are these days because of the lack of time I have). It's sad to think of how simple life was before all this and it scares me a bit to think of the future. In just the 30 years I've been alive, we have moved so rapidly with technology that it's scary to think of what 10 years from now will be like.

As much as I wish I could have a simpler life like I had before modern technology, I'm still very grateful for what this technology has done for me. I was able to go to college and be trained to teach children using a variety of technology tools. My father and many other family members were blessed with modern technology in the healthcare system. I was blessed by having the opportunity to fight my battle with infertility and be a part of so many great things that those struggling to have a family can now benefit from. I'm lucky to be able to communicate with my family near and far and keep up to date with everyone. Last but not least I am able to research and study my genealogy and keep record of my own life using the internet.

We are all blessed because of the many uses of modern technology. But I hope I will remember to use my time wisely and try to live a simpler life like that of one who didn't have the internet say 15 years ago.

Do you remember?

About Time

Yesterday a dear friend of mine suggested that I should watch a movie called, "About Time." I was very curious when she mentioned that I would benefit and really enjoy this emotional movie. Benefit from an emotional movie? Really.... that sounds a bit odd.

Anyway, I went and rented the movie and began watching it. It's one of those shows you have to give time because it's very slow at the beginning but I completely understand why she said it's worth the time watching it and I truly benefitted from this story and it's message.

The movie is about a man who has the power to travel back in time. As he goes on through life and faces trials and celebrates joys, he gains knowledge from his ability to change things and learn from past experiences by having a "do over."

I connected so much to this movie because this year I have battled so much with some of the hardest trials I have been faced with. I've had to let go of things of the past and move forward with the future. That is one of the most challenging things to do. As we say hello to the future, we must say goodbye to the past. In the movie the man learns after losing his father and battling through life's challenges, that he doesn't need to travel back in time to fix things any longer... he just needs to remember the following;

"I just try to live everyday as if I have deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it.... As if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life."

I hope I can remember this and truly live each day by enjoying it. I will cherish the memories of the past and look forward to those of the future.

PHOTOFLOP AKA PHOTOSHOP

About 36 hours ago I thought I would become a Photoshop expert. After many videos and exploring, I can honestly say this new hobby of mine that I thought would be easy, definitely will take time. I'm crafty. I love to scrapbook and I am fast and good with the computer. You would think those skills would come in handy for Photoshop but I was VERY wrong. I feel like I am learning a new language. All the buttons, commands and the endless possibilities of layers and tools. I have played around and finally finished ONE page. Yes that is right I used someone else's free template and moved things around, cropped some photos and added my text. I wish I could give myself credit on this one, but at least I'm learning... SLOWLY. Maybe one day I will be able to make a page myself.

THIS BLOG IS MY JOURNAL

Journal keeping has always been one thing that I have always wanted to do better at. I have kept many different journals in my lifetime. I started with simple diaries as a young child and teenager that included the joys of adolescence. These diaries got retired during college and I began writing in a journal where I celebrated triumphs and also poured out my emotions during difficult times as I entered into adulthood. I’ve never stayed very consistent with any record keeping and last night I was inspired by lessons taught at a church meeting that I attended for women about journal keeping.

Even though my family is very small right now, what am I doing to leave a legacy for my family in the future? Am I wasting time documenting on social media instead of writing my thoughts and sharing photos of my life for the future generations? 

I’ve been taught lately by someone dear to me who has helped me realize the importance of writing my thoughts down. I’ve been through so much in the last year that I’ve continued to hold things in and I’m just starting to learn that that isn’t the best thing to do. Journal keeping is that tool that everyone can use to get their thoughts out. Whether they will be kept private or displayed for all to read, we should write things down. 

I’ve decided to continue to blog personally. Whether or not I have 100 followers or just one, the most important reason to blog is for myself and for my family to read in the future. This digital time that we live in, we can have been given so many tools and blogging is one of those. The possibilities are endless and I hope my words inspire those who read and that they will be keepsakes to my family who I love dearly. I want to share my love for things that mean the world to me. I want to discuss feelings and thoughts that I encounter. I want to testify of my love for God and the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I want to express gratitude each and every day and all this will be done with writing my feelings and thoughts down on this blog and in my personal journals.

Feeling Like Giving Up

This afternoon I received a video link from a friend and I didn't watch it tonight until after my day began falling apart. As many of my days go... I start doing so good, focusing of positives, and then BAM something bad happens. Some piece of bad news is dropped on me. 

Today I received a call from my nurse saying, they were excited that my levels were higher than last month (yes great I know) BUT.... (There is always a but) Dr. Swanson would like Jon and you to come in and discuss your options with him as your cyst is kinda in the way right and we need to talk to you about this in more detail. So....... I now get to wait until Friday to find out that I'm more than likely having surgery #2 in the very near future. Days like today while frustrated, crying, and angry, I just want to give up. I want to throw in the towel and say, "I've been trying and I'm done!" I'm so sick of the e,optional roller coaster I'm riding on 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's exhausting and frustrating...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MosAkwGMJYM&sns=em

So as I watched this video, I sobbed and sobbed because there are so many different mothers out there but WHY do I have to be this one?

Someday...

I've decided since its hard to explain my feelings and emotions that maybe it would be best for me to get it all out of by blogging my experiences. As the last post I wrote stated, Jon and I have been going through many ups and downs. We have been battling with infertility and the roller coaster of emotions that brings. Back in December our infertility doctor gave us a choice. We could do artificial insemination and have about a 10% chance of success or have a higher success rate by doing Invitro fertilization. After much prayer and thought we knew we needed to be more aggressive and go for the    IVF option. It was going to cost us ALOT more but we knew we needed to do this. We began saving all our pennies and in January when we were getting ready to start the IVF cycle, they found uterine polyps. As many of you know polyps cause problems with embryo implantation. So they immediately wanted me to have surgery to remove them. I did this and began to heal physically. Us, healing emotionally is difficult as it was a big upset to know I had one more thing hindering me from getting the one thing I want most in life... A baby! For anyone going through fertility issues you know that timing is essential. You have one hiccup and you have to wait a month, or more. Because of the importance of the female cycle. So March came and I was all healed and they I'd I was clear and ready to start the hormone shots and start this IVF. I not in for my day 3 blood work and ultrasound and for some reason my body wasn't cooperating.  My uterine lining was not thinning out as expected at my time of my cycle and when it rains it pours because they also found a cyst in my right ovary. These things caused my doctor to stop the IVF cycle and cancel all drugs that I was taking. My body was telling me something wasn't right and my doctor knows that you can't do anything like this if my body isn't 100% perfect. So another month went by and now that brings us to the beginning of May. So excited to take another stab at this thing and hopefully body will calm down and respond better under the circumstances I'm on now with NO hormones. The hormones I was on had to be causing the cyst, lining issues, polyps, etc.

I went in last week and it looks like my body IS doing better. That troubling cyst is still there but it hasn't gotten any bigger. So that's a positive. Unfortunately on Friday my nurse said the doctor wants to look things over more because they need to decide if this cyst needs to be surgically removed or if it won't bother anything if they go ahead and proceed with the Invitro fertilization.

So yes, I'm constantly thinking about this and I'm an emotional mess some of the time. But I'm becoming better with dealing with my emotions. I'm trying to focus on the blessings that I have in my life. Because as everyone has trials we all have blessings that help us get through troubling times.

Having today be Mothers Day, I would be lying if I didn't say it is hard. Because it is! It's hard to watch family and friends celebrate their happiness of being a mother, when that is the one thing I want so badly in life. I know my Heavenly Father is watching over me and is aware of my dreams. I also know he has a plan for me and I need to be patient and strong. I'm so grateful for all the things I have in my life like my wonderful and supportive husband. Because of this trial we have grown so close and I'm thankful every single day for him. I'm also blessed with the most amazing mother and sisters who care and love me! They make this path that I am on a little bit easier. And I'm also grateful for friends who are there for me and who help me keep my mind off things that hurt. Like I said above I trully am blessed and grateful for everything in my life. And I know that one day I will be blessed through this trial. I will one day get to be a mother to the sweetest and most perfect baby!